Today was one of the best days I've had in a long, long time :D I went out in Glasgow and got a haircut and it was so nicee seeing my hairdresser again, she's like a 3rd grandmother to me :) I also spoke to this really cool guy while waiting at the hairdresser, because he was also waiting. He was from Camden and was studying in Glasgow (im ngl he was so fucking hot my lord). Then, I went out with my friends and it was really nice!!!

I've also been reading blue lock recently and its so fucking good oh my god, plus it's so motivating, like it makes me feel the monster inside they keep on talking about; it's great. Makes me want to double down and grow even further than I have!

I've been thinking a lot today about my relationship with relationships (hehe, see what I did there) and especially about my relationship with sex. I feel quite weird writing about it, I feel as if it's this taboo thing and I feel quite uncomfortable about making it public, but here goes. I feel very uncomfortable around the thought of sex with someone. It's probably the result of a decade of unhealthy ideas related to it, I grew up in an environment where sex was very tied to ones status and was a way of kind-of enabling the patriarchy; I think I've subconciously held those thoughts I grew up with in myself, especially with the pressure my family puts on me to be romantically (and, thus, sexually) active. My old friends were also pathetic fucks, who had this weird obession with sex and used it as a status symbol and that also rubbed off on me, unfortunately. I remember this one time, I was talking to one of them and I told him about how I had started talking to this girl and that she was really sweet and whatnot, and all he said is 'That shit doesn't matter, have you fucked her yet?'. What he said fucking disgusted me so much, it opened my eyes to the fact that the rest of their behaviour was equally creepy and manipulatory, so I finally got the courage to ghost them all (I do not regret it one bit). Still, though, stuff like that sticks; especially when everyone in my life has been pressuring me into sex from the moment I hit puberty (and even before that, but I don't want to get into the grooming ty), from my family to my friends and ex's.

This relationship I developed with sex unfortunately resulted in this viewpoint that sex was the end-goal of a relationship, so I started seeing the primary point of a relationship to be sex, and when I entered a relationship with my ex-girlfriend, who was arguably the only sane, mature person I've ever had the honour to call close to me, it resulted in huge problems. I couldn't wait for the relationship to grow before reaching that stage, because to me (subconciouslly) a relationship without sex was a failed one, or at least one in which love couldn't be found.

I feel disgusted by the way I acted with her in that regard, not that I did anything to force her into something she didn't want, but rather than I felt emotionally disconnected from her because she didn't want it. The notion of sex now feels so incredibly uncomfortable, because I now corellate it with that toxic behaviour of mine. That's now created a fear of sex within me, as I fear that with it will come behaviours of mine that I do not want coming out again; I fear the fact that I might become obsessive again, I fear the fact that I might become needy again, I fear the fact that I might start acting childish again. Sex, to me, has now become an object of major discomfort and pain.

Today, one of my friends was casually talking about his sex life to me, and it genuienly hurt? Like, it felt so deeply scary to me for someone to be talking about having sex with someone else, it stirred up such an anxiety within me that I was unable to drop the rest of the day.

While I say this, I'm scared of making myself the victim. This relationship that I have developed comes not from victimhood, but from being the perpetrator. I do not blame myself for the borderline abusive actions of others that have led to my fucked-up view of sex, however I do blame myself for not growing past it, but instead being immature enough to take it out on others.

I do not know where to move forward in maturing past this. I think through this attempt of maturing I have discovered that my trauma is even more deep-rooted that I thought. I did somewhat mention grooming (which I, still, won't get into), but I did not even quite realise that what had happened is classified as myself being groomed until a couple days ago. Or, I did not quite realise that your uncle telling you about having sex with women while you're a seven year old child isn't exactly normal.

I think I need to go to therapy, somehow. I think I'll somehow try to find the time to get a job and use that money to pay for some therapy. I want to grow past this trauma, as I am so scared that I will hurt someone again, like I hurt her. Thankfully, I don't think I caused too much damage, at least she said I didn't, but it still hurts like hell to think that I cauesd another human being to suffer. I won't be going into a relationship until I fix these deep-rooted problems of mine, and become a person who is capable of loving without hurting.

Anyways, my recommendation of the day is Stay by Post Malone (the glaive cover is better tho) ♡