Loneliness is a torture that nothing else matches. Love is a supposed escape from it, but I've found that the loneliness follows me into it with no regard for reality. Friendship is a nice solace from it, but it's but a temporary bandaid; the moment I step foot into my room the loneliness envelopes me once again.

I very sadly see no end to it, if I'm lonely when I have no lover and if I'm lonely when I have someone to hold me, then what am I to do? I've tried to find an escape from it through self-love, but it hasn't solved much, at least not yet.

What do I do then?

One of my best friends ghosted me, I'm not sure why. I think that's why I've been feeling extra alone these past few days. The last thing I sent her was this poem I wrote, she asked me what the inspiration was and I sent her a rant about it, haven't heard from her since.

Poetry has been a form of escape for me, but it's made so many people leave my life. After we broke up, my ex read my poems about a girl who wasn't her and came to hate me and now my best friend, maybe coincidentally, ghosted me after sending her the poem.

It's hard to express yourself without sending the wrong message, especially in poetry. The poems about the other girl weren't about the other girl, but instead my growth from the experience I had, but all my ex saw was that I was in love with her, which was simply untrue. I'm not sure what my best friend saw in that poem that she disliked, maybe the timing was coincidental.

I've been smoking a lot recently, it provides a temporary escape from life, but it also reinforces the feelings of despair when the cravings come in. I find that they're like my relationship with love, it provides an escape, but also makes me incredibly addicted.

I always crave appreciation. I've never been open to my parents, but one time I showed my despair to my mom and in response she said 'I know why you're so sad, you are a person that finds happiness in people appreciating you, but you don't get appreciated enough'. That was a truth bomb that changed my perception on things quite a lot, but I'm not sure how to find appreciation. I do find that a lot of people appreciate me, but maybe not in the way I want them to. People read my poems, but they rarely see the words for what they are. People appreciate my strengths, but they never quite appreciate what I truly care about.

I miss being appreciated. I miss love, in its purely physical expression. I miss memories of her. I miss a lot, maybe I should start appreciating the moment, instead of missing it once it's gone.

My daily recommendation for today is... We don't have many days by The Caretaker ♡