I had quite a nice day today, just hanged out with my friends and got some work done :D

While walking to school I was wondering whether or not I've changed in the past couple months, especially since my failures in my past relationship. I didn't quite have an answer then, but this evening while showering I was thinking about it and I realised that I have changed, maybe not substantially, but I do think I have become a lot more mature in my thinking.

The reason why I realised this is because I was envisioning myself dating someone and I couldn't for the life of me tell them I loved them (in my daydream) and that is a stark contrast to the relationship I was in, where I was so very fast in saying I love you. I think I've grown past idealisation and desperate attempts at replacing the loneliness with anyone. Instead I think I've grown to a point where I choose my relationships based on compatiblity rather than attraction and desperation.

Furthermore, I have developed myself past self-destruction, especially recently. I no longer feel a reliance on a lover for healing and inner peace, instead I now view the prospect of a partner as a cherry on top, rather than the whole cake.

I'm very grateful for the past two months, the months after breaking up with my first love. They have been very hellish, but by living in that self-imposed torment I managed to find an answer to a lot of questions about my being and what I expect from life and others. In those two months, I engaged in very self-destructive actions (drinking, smoking, shutting myself off, self-harm etc.) and from that I learnt to nurture myself instead; in those two months I had convinced myself that the only way to save myself was through a new relationship, I was envisiong a practical repeat of the one I had just come out of, and at the end of that I realised that self-love and getting in a relationship out of true desire to share a life with someone, rather than sheer desperation, is the much healthier option.

Not to say that I didn't value my girlfriend at the time, I did care for her deeply. It's just that at the time I was not yet developed enough as a person, in terms of branching myself out beyond the relationship and in terms of what I viewed a relationship to be, to handle the love with maturity and care. Furthermore, I can't deny that I think part of the reason we started dating was because of a shared desperation to share the warmth of another, and I think that set a basis of false expectation and romantisaction that set the prelude for what was to come, which was conflict and different wavelength of thinking.

I'm so very grateful that she came into my life, because she taught me a lot about myself and she did change me for the better. I am also grateful that we made the choice to leave eachother, because it allowed for my self-growth. Lastly, I'm grateful that she did not accept my apology, because it led to a true desire for me to change and a true need for introspection, through which I found the words I am writing right now.

I'm looking forward to the future and what is in store, which are words I don't think I have ever muttered before.

My daily recommendation is... solace remix - sniper2004 (he just released it soo!!) ♡