I couldn't sleep last night. I had a mental breakdown at 12am and just sat in my bed punching myself in desperation to stop the thoughts, but it didnt do shit. I ended up just sitting at my desk watching twitch streams until I fell asleep, just so I could distract myself.

So I couldn't wake up this morning, or, rather, I refused to. I just couldn't find any reason to get up and go to school, or do anything really. My parents are still living with me atm, so they tried their best to force me out; they shouted and dragged me, but I just couldn't in my mind find any reason to keep on going.

They managed to convince me to get up eventually, but when I started getting changed I just collapsed onto the couch and they just let me sleep. I woke up at 1pm and the rest of the day I spent doing about nothing, well I did go to my doctor to pick up my anxiety medication, hopefullly that'll help me sleep.

While we were dating, my ex-girlfriend had introduced me to the Beck's Depression Inventory. I don't quite remember how much I got, it was around the high 40's though. I've been doing it on a weekly basis since the start of december and I've been averaging 48, which is 8 points above what is necessary for a diagnosis of extreme depression (the highest one). Today I got my highest score ever, which is a 51. It's weird, because it's not like I've felt as bad as I've felt at other times. I wonder what I'd have gotten in September, for example, when I was cutting myself like twice a day. I reckon something around 58.

I'm hoping I get a diagnosis soon, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday to get diagnosed for depression or whatever else, hopefully from there I can get some pills to help me cope, because I am so incredibly tired of these feelings, or lackthereof.