I just had a lazy day today... I've just been playing guitar and studying today, but I also played some RLCraft with a friend and hanged out with my brother a lot.

I've been thinking a lot about my attitude towards love, I'm very uncertain where to move forward with in terms of my relationships. I broke up with my last partner a few months ago and while I wasn't all too heartbroken, I carry a lot of guilt and confusion regarding what happened between us. I still feel very uneasy about the idea of entering another relationship, as I fear hurting my partner or being too much for them.

I'm very confused as to what behaviour is right in relationships, like when is it okay to tell someone you love them? When is it okay to escalate things physically? When is it okay to open up? Is it okay to be fast, is it bad? Is it okay for me to want to be around my SO all the time? My past experiences give mixed messages and I don't really know anyone whos in a healthy relationship, so I have no one to look at for inspiration.

All the relationships around me are so unhealthy: from my parents, to my extended family to my friends; all the relationships are so toxic and ugly, I only grew up around those things and it really rubbed on me. My attitude towards relationships was really ugly (still is) and it resulted in me being an awful partner to numerous people. I feel very guilty about it, the memories haunt me so much.

I got into another argument with my parents today, because... drum roll please... I said a word in Spanish. I'm not fucking kidding. I was eating with them and I asked my brother 'Que opinas sobre...' and they got so pissed because they thought I said penis and they legit would not believe I was speaking Spanish; they're actually such pathetic shits :/

okayy thats it for today, sorry for TMI as usual