Sorry for the radio silence recently!! I've been on holiday and didn't have my laptop :>

These last few days have been a mixed bag, there have been moments where I felt at peace and there have been sleepless nights where I felt so disconnected from everyone. The only theme that arose, regardless of any other feelings I had, was how much I fucking miss her.

I think of her constantly, as in, every few minutes. At one point, I dreamt her every night for days straight (i dont remember if I mentioned that). All I do is sort-of a subconcious ploy to grab her attention, like my desire to succeed is practically just tied to this desire to show her that I'm doing well and that I'm as moved on as she is (even though im obviously not).

But, I also feel like I don't actually miss her. I think I just miss having someone in my life; I've come to realise that most of my friends are not by true closeness, but are just simply a product of necessity. I realised this during this holiday, when I literally did not speak to any of my friends at all. They didn't message me asking me how the holiday is and I didn't message them either; the only person I can call my friend is this one guy who is practically a brother to me. But, expect for him, there is no one I can call myself close to.

I think that's why I miss her so dearly, I don't miss her as a person, I simply miss having someone to talk to. I don't have that anymore, all my friendships are mostly one-sided, as in, I do not talk, I simply listen; when I try to talk, I am often just met with disinterest. It is so emotionally draining to have no one in your life who gives a fuck about you and your issues. I think thats what I miss, I miss being cared about.

I've also been thinking a lot about my growth since we broke up. I think I've matured a lot, at least I hope, I think I am in a much more mature place; maybe even in a mature enough place to look for someone else. Well, maybe not. There's still a lot more growth to be done, and I think that what I just spoke about is actually the biggest issue that I face. This lack of friendship/connection to other people in my life would probably lead to me becoming overly dependant on my partner, just like what happened with my ex. It's tough, because either way it just ends up with me being alone.

I've had a good day though, I played some minecraft with some random guys, practiced guitar, listened to shoegaze and worked out. I need to start studying, I've been procrastinating so hard these past few months. I love you <3

My song recommendation for today is... 'Ghost' by Whirr ♡